The __________________ Survivor’s Group

 

Lately I have come across several friends, past colleagues, or students who have either formed or joined Facebook or other online “survivor’s clubs. Now these are not the kind of groups like surviving cancer. a traumatic attack or other unwanted events. These are saying they survived the “trauma” of a specific Christian School, some religious College, a religious denomination, a job, or even being raised by their parents. Please understand that I recognize that there have been some legitimate traumas associated with some families, social or religious organizations. But what I am seeing are complaints about strict rules, regulations, and or practices at these places. I remember talking to a person about their schooling experience under a good friend and mentor I once worked with. Their whole beef was that that person had told them that they were a rebellious and undisciplined child, and it hurt their feelings. After I hear how they had acted at the school, I tended to agree with my colleague. It wasn’t a matter of abuse (verbal or physical); it was a matter of being brutally honest in order to help the student see where they were heading. I have heard the same arguments used against parents. “I have trauma because my parents disciplined me”. Again, I am not talking about real physical abuse. I’m talking about making a child do what is required/expected. In my view, all this complaining about good discipline can also make it harder to sort out cases of real abuse.

So before I trigger anyone who might misunderstand, let me give some examples. I have heard people complain about the rules of the Bible College from which I received my undergraduate degree. We had specific dating hours. (We even had to have chaperones.) We had to wear ties in the main building. We had restrictions on where we could go alone. They did room checks for cleanliness. They made you attend Chapel daily. The men wore suitcoats to evening meals. Ladies had to wear dresses. At that time the ladies could not wear jeans. The key was, all these rules were know about ahead of time. So if someone was traumatized by the “excessive rules”, they were warned ahead of time. Every Christian school I have worked at had a student handbook that enumerated the rules. The students and the parents both signed them Unfortunately, that didn’t mean they read them.

I’ve heard others complain about how they were “mistreated” at work, church or organization. They made them follow the group/corporate rules. They dinged them for being late. They pointed out laziness and substandard work. They make you do your job! They expected you to show up and join in.

The real key here is that, at least in America, you normally have the choice to leave a school, a job, a club, or organization at any time. Yes, it may be a bit scary, but why stay and suffer? Here are some ideas that may help.

1. Know the rules and what is expected. Read the fine print, or have someone review it for you.

2. Don’t blame others for your goof ups of failures. Take responsibility for your own actions.

3. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.

4. Be clear about your own values and stick to your convictions.

5. Don’t be afraid to say no and move on if you need to.

6. Be honest and give a full day’s work.

7. Don’t get complaisant; Don’t settle. There are many ways to get training if you need to change occupations.

8. Don’t repay evil with evil. Do Good, Always. 

9. Learn from life experience. I’ve always like the quote: When I started college I thought my dad was the dumbest man in the world. At the end of my first year, I couldn’t believe how much he’d learned”.

10. Lastly, don’t hang on to the past. Even though you may have experienced some horrors in your past, you can and need to go on. There are many avenues of help, but ultimately, it will be up to you.

Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me. Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Philippians 3:12-14